


gone

by passthesaltzman



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Ending, F/F, cassie the captain, drunk!lexi, the gatorade does its job, window climbing trope gotta love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 02:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20220046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/passthesaltzman/pseuds/passthesaltzman
Summary: alternate ending to euphoria 1x08 finale.lexi, fueled by cassie's advice, shows up drunk to rue's window right before she relapses.akathe one where lexi does who the fuck she wants.





	gone

She was gone.

Sitting on her bed, the line of white powder in front of her, it was almost like the last six months had never happened.

Jules was gone. She could tell the exact moment Jules knew she was a lost cause. She could only watch as her face turned crestfallen, as the train door closed between the two, as the train chugged away. She stood at a standstill as she watched it fade into the distance, until it turned into a speck, until that speck disappeared into the dark of the night. 

She was gone. And she only had herself to blame.

She recalled how she had walked home, sobbing into her hands, no doubt smudging the bright makeup Jules had so carefully applied earlier that evening. She’d cried through the streets, sniffled through her driveway, and wiped her tears as she made her way through the halls of her home.

She stopped for a moment outside of her father’s old room, remembering the nights they’d lay in bed together watching old television, his hand in her hair as she lent into his side. The feeling of overwhelming longing and loss overcame her body and only reminded her of the new vacancy in her life. 

They were gone.

Now, changed into her father’s old hoodie and sweatpants, she felt the weight of the past few months crash into her. The overthinking of her and Jules’ turbulent relationship, the major depressive episodes, the withdrawal effects of not using-- they all swept through her. It didn’t help that the massive headache and tightness in her chest from her emotional breakdown were plaguing her, all combining into the perfect headspace to dive back into the white powdery substance in front of her. 

She was done with all of it. She just needed a god damn break. Just wanted to stop thinking for a moment. Just a moment.

Fuck it. Fuck it all.

As she lent down with her rolled paper, prepared to let the night and hopefully the next day fade away, there was a hard knock at her window. 

Unfortunately for her, the loud sound scared her enough to jerk her legs in which the book and white powder were resting on, resulting in them falling to the ground in a cloud of white. 

Fuck! Who the FUCK is that?

Suddenly, it hit her that the window the knock had come from was the same one Jules had used a few months before, when Nate had tricked her at the lake. 

Could it be? Did she come back for her?

Rue feels a twinge of hope in her heart and suddenly feels less pissed about her only available drugs spread about her carpet. 

She hears another knock and immediately gets up to the window, already seeing the shadow of a figure through her curtain. She quickly pulls the curtains back and…

What the fuck? 

Lexi was swaying in front of her, attempting to balance on top of a gardening can and muttering to herself every time she fell.

It only took her a fraction of a second to realize Lexi was drunk. Like really fucking drunk.

“Lexi.”

At the sound of a voice above her, Lexi slipped off the gardening can completely, landing on her back with a groan. On her back though, she realized the figure in the window was exactly who she wanted to see in this moment. She was the person whose house she drunkenly walked 4 miles to in the middle of the night, after all.

“Rueeeeee.” Lexi had a wide smile on her face as she scrambled to her feet as gracefully as she could, which was not very graceful at all. 

Rue should be annoyed. Not only had Lexi ruined her last ditch effort of getting high out of her mind tonight, she had given her a reason to hope that she didn’t have to do those aforementioned drugs.

But Lexi had been a really good friend to her recently. She always had. Even when she didn’t deserve it. 

Also, Lexi didn’t usually get drunk like this. In fact, this is the most uninhibited she’d ever seen her. Something has to be up.

“Lexi, what are you doing here?” Rue sighed. Although she didn’t want to be mean, she really just needed to be alone right now. With coke. Or oxy. Or dxm. Maybe her mom had some cough syrup left in her cabinet, she  _ has _ been getting less careful recently….

Rue snapped back to her thoughts when Lexi popped up to her eye level, swaying on the gardening can below her. 

“Cass told me to come.” She smiled lazily, close enough that Rue could smell the pure alcohol on her breath. “I really need to talk to you,” she slurred further.

“Jesus fuck, Lex. What the fuck did you drink?” Knowing it was just a matter of time before Lexi fell off the wobbly can below her again, Rue opened her window wider and ushered her through, grasping onto her waist and hoisting her into her room. 

When Lexi consequently fell on her floor with a breathless laugh, Rue sighed and resignedly stepped over her, moving to her dresser.

She knew she’d have to stay over tonight. Although Lexi and Cassie’s mother was no stranger to alcohol, Lexi had never been her favored child, Rue knew. Plus, it’d be way too much effort to bring her home. Hopefully she could just find her something to wear, tuck her into bed, and then go raid her mom’s secret medicine stash in her socks drawer for anything she could find. 

With the clothes she always let Lexi wear when she slept over in hand, aka a long green t-shirt that made her look adorably tiny along with a pair of black basketball shorts that barely peeked out under them, Rue turned around to find her friend now sitting on her bed looking over at her with dilated brown eyes and a soft smile on her face.

Rue shivered at the emotion held in her stare, amazed by how she could transmit so much even in her inebriated state. Rue realized she had walked over so close so that their legs were almost touching and suddenly broke the stare, clearing her throat and handing her best friend of ten years the clothes. 

“Um, here,” Rue mumbled, keeping her gaze on her feet. Rue was caught off guard when instead of getting up to change, Lexi grabbed her hand and pulled her down next to her, so they were now sitting next to each other on the bed. 

Lexi’s smile was now gone, but the intensity of her stare had only strengthened. Rue felt ensnared in her gaze, unable to move or speak.

“You make my brain all jumbly,” Lexi mumbled, her eyebrows scrunching together. Rue slightly jumped when she felt Lexi’s hands frame her face, her eyes still locked to her’s.

When Rue didn’t respond, Lexi moved her hands slowly downwards so they encircled her neck, bringing them slightly closer.

“All the way over here, I planned what I wanted to say,” she mumbled. “Now I can’t remember.” 

Rue felt completely paralyzed as she felt Lexi’s soft hands move back up to her face, her eyes now following their every motion. Her thumbs traced the sides of her face and under her eyes, and Rue saw her nose scrunch a bit at the residual wetness under her eyes left over from earlier. 

“Are you okay?” She blinked a few times, her eyes now concerned and probing. 

Her worried tone made Rue’s heart swell. Leave it to Lexi to show up to her house pissed drunk and ask her if  _ she’s _ okay.

Well, she’s not. But that’s not her problem.

“Yeah, Lex. I’m fine.” Rue give her a little half smile to try to convince her. 

She can see on her face that she doesn’t buy it. 

“You don’t have to hide. We can’t  _ both _ hide from each other,” she said, slowly dropping one hand and leaving one to trace circles on her neck in an effort to provide comfort. 

Rue noticed Lexi had scooted closer when she dropped her head to shoulder, her thumb still determined in its movements across her neck. Rue shivered as she felt Lexi’s hot breath hit the other side, the dual sensation calming any residual anxiety from the night’s earlier events. They were still there lingering under her skin, prepared to jump to the surface at a moment’s notice, but Rue found herself distracted by the feeling of Lexi’s fingers and breath across her skin. 

That’s all drugs were to her in a way. A distraction. A method of diversion from her overwhelming anxiety and probing thoughts. An escape from her lingering depression. 

Right here, in this moment, she almost forgets why she needs drugs in the first place. 

They sit there in silence for a few minutes, only the sounds of their breaths leaving their bodies filling the void. Rue feels her body droop into Lexi’s as time passes, and her head rests on the one on her shoulder. Lexi’s other hand remains relatively still on Rue’s thigh, but Rue feels it twitch every once in a while, a quiet reminder of how close they really are. 

Suddenly, Lexi’s words catch up to her and Rue finds herself asking, “Lex, what did you mean by both?”

Lexi continued her circles, absentmindedly mumbling, “Hm?” to Rue’s question.

“You said we can’t both hide from each other. What are you hiding?”

Lexi stilled when the weight of the question resonated with her and Rue immediately cursed herself for asking. 

Lexi’s never been the type to be very open with her feelings. She’s always been the person to get others to spill their demons and provide them advice and emotional support after, but it’s rarely the other way around. Rue has just always assumed Lexi confided in her sister with her issues, and as a result never really asked. 

I mean, she always thought Lexi was fine. She seemed fine, after all. She wasn’t going through drug addiction or relapse, that’s for sure, so Rue just always assumed she would figure things out for herself. She only realized now how fucking ignorant that made her.

Fuck, she’s a bad friend. 

Lexi slowly pulled away from her, and Rue felt the loss of her presence immediately. She fought the urge to pull the smaller girl back into her, and instead sat still and waiting, knowing now was the time to step up and be a better friend to her. 

As Lexi sat with her hands in her lap, fiddling with the rings on her fingers, Rue felt the urge to say something,  _ anything _ , even remotely comforting.

“Lex, you can tell me anything. I’m here for you.”

Lexi remained unmoving, almost as if she didn’t hear her. Rue knows that she did though. She was going to make sure she got through to her this time. 

“Le-”

Suddenly, Lexi shot forward and connected their lips in a searing kiss, lips moving furiously against Rue’s shocked and unmoving ones. It took a few seconds for Rue’s mind to catch up to what was really happening before she instinctively reciprocated the passionate kiss, their mouths moving in sync to match the other’s movements. 

Lexi, growing bolder by the moment, moved to straddle Rue’s waist, her arms finding their way around her neck once more. They moved in tandem for a few minutes more, Rue’s hands framing Lexi’s hips and moving up and down her waist in smooth motions. Eventually, Rue’s tongue slipped into Lexi’s mouth, eliciting a gasp from the girl on top. Her own tongue fought for dominance, and Lexi’s hands found themselves weaving in Rue’s curls, giving them a slight tug to gain the advantage. 

Eventually the need for air became too strong, resulting in the two girls pulling apart, their foreheads resting against each other and their harsh breaths invading each other’s senses. 

Rue couldn’t believe that had just happened. She had never been kissed like that before. By anyone. Not even Jules. She can imagine that’s what being kiss kissed, as Jules had said earlier, felt like.

She had felt emotion coming out of Lexi in waves, in the way she kissed her with such passion and longing. Although Rue had no idea what the fuck had just happened, she could tell that wasn’t just a cheap drunk makeout. 

This meant something. 

Lexi kept her eyes closed several seconds after they parted, the consequences of her drunk actions already catching up with her. 

Oh god, she’d really just done that. She suddenly felt a lot sober than she had a few minutes ago. 

“Rue, oh god, I...”

Lexi’s mouth opened and closed as she tried to find words, any words, to justify why the  _ fuck _ she’d just done that. Her breath started speeding up and her chest felt tighter as the realization of how majorly she’d just fucked up hit her. 

She couldn’t play that off as anything less than it was. She can’t act like she just kissed her for practice after telling her some lie about Tucker Blake asking her to freshman formal. She can’t act like it was just a drunken mistake and she had no idea what she was doing. 

She’d just kissed her best friend of a decade. She’d basically just told her she was in love with her without saying the words. Not only that, she’d kissed her best friend that was in love with someone else. Who was so deeply in love that every time Lexi so much as glanced in their direction her heart constricted so tight she felt it practically die in her chest. 

She was so totally fucked. 

She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt Rue move her head to her shoulder below her. She felt her damp cheeks against the fabric of the hoodie that smelled so distinctly of her and immediately buried her face in the crook of Rue’s neck, unable to stifle the sobs pouring out of her. 

She felt Rue’s arms encircle her waist and tighten around her, holding her closer than before. This somehow caused Lexi to sob harder, her arms gripped in the fabric behind Rue’s back. 

She doesn’t know how long she cries for. She feels the humiliation of the situation hit her like a ton of bricks almost immediately. The knowledge that she’d shown up drunk off her ass to her friend’s house, kissed her out of nowhere, and then began to cry before she could face the aftermath of her recklessness made her want to curl up into a hole somewhere and never come out. Instead, she curled up closer to Rue’s body and basks in the calm before the storm. 

The calm before the motherfucking apocalypse. 

Eventually, she stops crying. Nothing happens. 

Rue has been rubbing her back soothingly and that doesn’t change when Lexi’s sobs stop. It doesn’t change when Lexi’s eyes droop and her grip in Rue’s hoodie goes limp. It doesn’t change when Lexi’s breath evens out and the silence is graced with her soft snores. It doesn’t change as Rue lies back on her bed and grabs a throw blanket next to her, pulling it over them both. It doesn’t change as Rue stares at the ceiling for hours, her mind calm while her heart’s racing. 

It doesn’t change until her eyes grow too tired to remain open and her body lets the warmth surrounding her engulf her into darkness. 

\------

Lexi wakes up first.

Her eyes opening to the sunrise seeping in through the open window, she blinks. It takes her all of two seconds to remember where she was. And who she was lying on top of.

Her heart races as she stares at the girl below her, her expression peaceful with her mouth slightly open. She’d stared at Rue many times before, practically 10 years worth (and many of those while she was sleeping, as ashamed as she was to admit), but she had never quite looked like this. So young and at peace. It made her heart hurt to think she wouldn’t wake up that way. 

Mostly thanks to her. 

She wanted more than anything to stay here with her. To enjoy the presence of the girl she had longed after for as long as she could remember. She hadn’t realized that’s what it was too long ago. It wasn’t until one of her talks with Cassie about love that she realized just what all those feelings she felt every time she so much as looked at the other girl meant. 

She knew now. She thinks a part of her always did. 

But she couldn’t stay. She couldn’t bare to be here when Rue woke up and looked at her with pity. To know that she had only reciprocated and comforted her because of how much of a fucking mess she was last night. To have Rue try to explain softly that she didn’t feel about her in that way, in an attempt to preserve her feelings, or worse, lie to her and tell her that she felt the same way.

She couldn’t handle that. And she knew Rue probably couldn’t either. She felt her heart hurt at the thought that she put Rue in a rough situation when she had finally found a good place with Jules for the past few months. As much as she wishes it was her that Rue loved, she knew she wasn’t.

And she never would be.

Slowly, Lexi pushed herself off of Rue’s form, rolling over onto the bed next to her. She took a lasting look at the girl next to her, feeling her heart grow three sizes as it always did when she looked at the girl and simultaneously squeeze the air out of her lungs at the knowledge she may never get this visual again. 

She got off the bed finally, after what felt like hours of staring at her sleeping form and etching it into her memory. She stood over the other girl and slightly adjusted the throw blanket over her, making sure it covered her completely. 

She thought about kissing her forehead, both in thanks of last night and as a goodbye before their friendship changed forever, but ultimately decided against it. She’d done too much already.

Lexi slowly moved to the window in the corner, the same one she had crawled through last night. She took one last glance over her shoulder, only one thought circling her mind over and over.

_ I’m sorry. _

She climbed through the window.

She was gone. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i finished euphoria a few days ago and the finale stuck with me. setting up lexi's confusion about who she wants to hook up with and then not letting her hook up with anyone? not on my fucking watch. 
> 
> anyways lexi as a character speaks to me and her obviously being in love with rue and her being a sad puppy about jules and rue really connected w me so here we are. hope you enjoyed. im keeping this as a oneshot for now bc for those who read my other fics yall know im terrible at updating and continuing stories, but i could totally see myself doing a second part to this if people want it. 
> 
> anyways thank yall for reading and good luck getting through the euphoria drought <3
> 
> twitter: @lexisaltz


End file.
